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PREPARATION FOR PERFORMANCE - get inspired series; he who fails to plan is planning to fail

Look before you leap because prior proper preparation prevents poor performance. Don't bite off more than you can chew because nobody looks attractive spitting it back out. Since you've got the ability to feature in the future you picture, bear in mind that  it's not wise to feature in a future with an unclear picture



It's either you are remembered for the problems you created or for those which you solved. Identify your areas of strength and concentrate on those areas in which you can make a major contribution. Never forget that the best angle to solve a problem is the "TRY-angle".
Imitation is limitation! Be an original and not a photocopy. Don't live the life of another. Your significance isn't in your similarity to another but in your difference from another. Be normal and the crowd will accept you, but be deranged and they'll make you their leader. The moment you stop trying to become a better person is the moment you start becoming worse than you already are
Never doubt your potentiality. Learn from the butterfly; if it had doubts, it would have lived and died a crawling caterpillar. To live is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist; that is all. Life is a gift, take it. It is a puzzle, solve it. Life's simple, use it well. You've got only one life, so do all you can do while still alive
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TODAY, THE PAST AND THE PRESENT

The Past is a nice place to visit, but never the best place to stay. Today is the result of your past while your future depends on today.The future is more important than the past since ending well is more important than starting well.

 

The winner in a race is judged by his/her end results. So many people don't live for today. They are completely consumed with the future and yet it's how we live today that creates our future. Everyday is an opportunity for a new life so live a new and better life daily. Your actions of today is what affects your future.Neville Goddard once said, "Do not waste one moment in regret, for to think feelingly of the mistakes of the past is to re-infect yourself." Jerry Spinelli once said, "Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don't rent them out to tomorrow." The sages say, "Your life is in your hands."
The outcome of your future lies in your hands. What actually lies in your hands is the way you live today. In summary, the way you live today is in direct proportion to your life's future outcome. Living life to the fullest starts from living today to the fullest. Everyday brings a new day called a "TODAY". Tomorrow will be the new day called "TODAY". Since today will always be made available as a new day, then it means you'll never stop living life to the fullest. Take advantage of what you have while it lasts

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REALLY DRUNK ?

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. He told them , "We have reached our destination".
The 1st guy gave him money while the 2nd guy said "thank you". The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
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MR AND MRS

A man was about to check into the Sheraton hotel when he noticed a very beautiful woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked in as Mr. and Mrs.
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WRONG NUMBER

One day Santa called his home and the servant picked up the phone.
Santa : Where is my wife ?
Servant : She is with her husband.
Santa : Fool, I'm her husband !
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HOW WARRI BOYS PRAY

Baba God, I deh hail oh, u too much 4 my life, I loyal like loya milk, na why I dey call you jehovah talk and do, Jehovah effizzy,
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PIDGEN BIBLE

One Of The Popular Chapter Is Psalm 23, Which Reads:
1.    The Lord Na My Shepherd, I Dey Kampe.
2.    E Make Me Sidon For Where Betta Dey Flow And Come Put Me Next To Stream Make MaiBodi Thermacool.
3.    E Panel Beat Mai Soul Come Spray Am White, Come Dey Lead Me Dey Go Through Express Road Of Righteousness For the Sake Of Hin Names....
4.    Walahi! If I Waka Pass Where Arm Robber, 419 And Juju People Boku, Come Even Join Boko Haram, Reach Valley Of The Shadow Of Death Sef, Mai Bodi Dey Inside Cloth. Your Rod And Staff Nko? Na So Dem Dey Like Back Bone Dey Comfort Me.
5.    You Don Prepare Good Food On Top The Table Make I Chop. All Mai Enemies Dey Look Waa Waa. You Rub Me For Head Wit Holy Ghost Refreshing Lotion. Mai Cup Com Full Like River Wey Overflow Hin Bank.
6.    True True, Betta Life And Mercy Go Gum Mai Back Till I Quench. And Man Pikin Go Tanda For God House From Lai Lai To Lai Lai.
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REAP WHAT YOU SOW

Teacher: who is a pharmacist?
Akpors:  (raise up his hand....)
Teacher:  so, is it only Akpors that knows the answer ? So there is nobody else to answer the question except Akpors?
(there was no reply from the students)
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MR. MAD

There are (4) friends living together in a house. There names are Mad, Nobody, impossible, and Somebody. One day Impossible left home with his girlfriend while Nobody was fighting with Somebody. He mistakenly stabbed him. Mad tried to calling the police:
Mad: Please is this the police
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FEELING SMART

Eggistu, Akpors and Alinco went to rob a supermarket at night. They decided not to give an answer to any question if they were unfortunately caught. A neighbor saw them, called the police and unfortunately for them they were caught.
POLICE:     [to Akpors] What's your name? .... (There was no answer).
POLICE:     [to Alinco] What's your name? ... (He didn't respond either).
POLICE:     [to Eggistu] What's your name?
EGGISTU:     Akpors and Alinco did not mention their names, so why should I?
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WHAT A PITY

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Alinco walked
straight to the ugly girl.
Alinco:         Hello!
Ugly girl:     Hi!!
Alinco:         Wanna dance?
Ugly Girl:     Yes (excited)
Alinco:         OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend.
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BIG RAM

Puppadon: Take this N150,000, go to computer village and buy me a quality laptop with a big RAM.
Eggistu: Okay!.
Eggistu didn't return after two days, so Puppadon decided to reach him on phone.
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JUST CHECKING

Two Boko Haram boys were making letter bombs.
1st Boy: I’m not sure I put enough explosives in this envelope before i sealed it.
2nd Boy: “Well, then open it and check it.”
1st Boy: “But if i open it, it will explode!”
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EXCITEMENT KILLER

At a table in a candle-lit restaurant, a man and woman are having dinner, and the following conversation ensued:
Man: Baby, i love you; will you please marry me?
Woman: (stands up and lands a stinging slap on his face) I have waited more than 9yrs, I have prayed, fasted, sowed seeds,
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UGLY WOMAN ?

A bushman finds a mirror in the veld but he doesn't know what it is. He gets a shock when he looks into the mirror and sees his father who is dead. Every time he misses his father he looks into the mirror and cries his heart out.
His wife couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed the mirror from him and looked into it. Very angry she screamed at her husband - 'You fool, who is this ugly woman you are crying for?.
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ROBBERY

During a robbery in Lagos, Nigeria, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank, "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "MIND CHANGING CONCEPT”
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WOMAN'S DUTY

A man was sick and tired of going to work everyday while his wife stayed at home, he wanted his wife to see what he goes through and so he prayed, "Dear Lord,I go to work all day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please switch her body to mine for a day, as I take hers. Amen!

 

So God in his own infinite wisdom granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He cooked breakfast, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, feed them, pack their lunch, drove them to school, came back home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaner, went to grocery shopping, drove home and put away the groceries, cleaned the cat's little box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00pm. He quickly went to make the bed, do the laundry, swept and mop the floor. Ran to school to pick up the kids. Got into an argument with one of them. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their home work. Then set the ironing board and watched TV, while he did the ironing. At 4.30pm, he began peeling potatoes and washed the vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chop and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put them to bed. He's exhausted, and though his daily chores wasn't over, he went to bed and was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaints.

Early morning, he woke up and quickly knelt down by the bed and said;"LORD, I don't know what I was thinking, I was wrong to envy my wife being able to stay home all day. Please let's trade again. Amen! God answered, "Man, I'd like to answer your prayers but the time you made love, you got pregnant, so you have to wait for nine months to change. Respect the woman, she's the pillar of the house.

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STRIVE

Commotion by the noise of the norm
Brings confusion in the choice of some
But the correction of the voice of wisdom
Gives solution to rejoice in the kingdom



Seeking life's treasure in the best rate
Making your exposure up to date
Striving with a measure of faith
To achieve in the closure of fate
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LOVE - defining love; part two (02)

part 1,   part 2

 

Love's the key
To really be
Above the stormy sea
As we sail on God's mercy

 

The way you feel
Despite it's burning zeal
Will be no big deal
If it isn't real

An attraction
Without Love's conception
Is deception
That Leads to the heart's infection

Though Love is interesting
What is it's meaning
Is love a feeling
Let's visit it's beginning

Oh! What's even it's essence
How's it's preference
Has love got a defence
Does love make a difference

The law of love and attraction
Has been in operation
Right from creation
From God's action and reaction

There's no fear in love
Since the source of love
Who sits on the throne of love
Is Love; God is love

You don't love when you fear
Fear makes the road unclear
Places you at the rear
To make despair come near

Love has a connection
With genuine satisfaction
Love's intention
Is your Joy's perfection

Love's full of gratitude
Which elevates the altitude
Of your attitude
In a hopeful magnitude

Love is reduced when you hate
Hatred which erupts anger in a rate
That feels your heart's slate
With thoughts that irritate

Love's a force
That can carry any cross
Without a feeling of loss
It's the most powerful force of course

part 1,   part 2


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THANK YOU LORD - a praise and worship series at pengaze.com

Though days have gone by
I won't say goodbye
The passing years ask why
My resolve shouldn't die


Christ's my solid ground
The best one I have found
He turned my life around
To hear this joyful sound

I see some on sinking sand
But He is the rock on which I stand
On my way to the promised land
My life is in His hand

Many have tried
All their best to hide
From life's rising tide
All the same they died

Despite His Lordship
He offered me friendship
He's the safest ship
That the oceans worship

No surer anchor
To stand the oceans core
None other can love more
Than this king I adore

The lifter of my head
Life-source to the dead
My way's perfected
When I'm by His Spirit lead

I still ask myself why
This great Elshadai
Decided to lift me high
Beyond how I could try

His great sacrifice
Was the huge price
That shut Satan's lies
To unveil the blue skies

Just as he vowed,
He freed the crowd
That were lost in the cloud
The deliverance was loud

Only a great fool
Wouldn't count it cool
To be grateful
For a freedom so useful

Here I am
To thank the great I AM
He's the I AM THAT I AM
Who has delivered me from all harm

Year after year
He's always near
To hold me dear
Driving away fear

Month after month
I see Him in front
Increasing my font
And providing all I want

Week after week
He keeps me unique
I'm no more weak
But moving to the peak

Day after day
He leads my way
So with Him I'll stay
Never to go astray

Oh My God
Thanks for your word
Oh! Thank you Lord
For being my God
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AMAZING FACTS - (05)



  1. Charlie Chaplin once won the third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
  2.  Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
  3. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
  4. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
  5.  The shortest English word that contains the letters A, B, C, D, E, and F is "feedback."
  6. All Polar bears are left-handed.
  7. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
  8. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
  9. Almonds are a member of the peach family, and apples belong to the rose family.
  10. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  11. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
  12. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
  13. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
  14. Alfred Nobel, in whose name the Nobel prizes are instituted, was the inventor of dynamite.
  15. The planet Venus does not tilt, so consequently, it has no seasons. It is the only planet that rotates clock-wise.
  16.  Honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil.
  17. The word “set” has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
  18. Molecularly speaking, water is actually much drier than sand.
  19. Human tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they’ve been removed.
  20. US President John F. Kennedy was an accomplished ventriloquist.

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AMAZING FACTS - four (04)



  1. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why!
  2. The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes – he was an albino. '7' was because the original containers were 7 ounces and 'UP' indicated the direction of the bubbles.
  3.  Chocolate can kill dogs, as it contains theobromine, which affects their heart and nervous system.
  4.  Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of plaster.
  5. There are only two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
  6.  If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
  7. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow film down so you could see his moves.
  8. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
  9.  By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
  10. Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed.
  11. Coca-Cola was originally green.
  12.  Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.
  13.  Contrary to popular belief, the white is not the healthiest part of an egg. It’s actually the shell.
  14. Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine.
  15. Hot water will turn into ice faster then cold water.
  16.  "Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
  17. Like fingerprints, every person’s tongue print is different.
  18. No piece of normal-size paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
  19. The tongue is the only muscle that is attached from one end only.
  20. Pumice is the only rock that floats in water.

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AMAZING FACTS - three (03)




  1.    The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
  2. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
  3. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
  4. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
  5. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.
  6.  TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
  7. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
  8. Money isn’t made out of paper. It’s made out of cotton.
  9. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
  10.  The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
  11.  Camel’s milk does not curdle.
  12. Your foot is the same length as your forearm, and your thumb is the same length as your nose. Also, the length of your lips is the same as the index finger.
  13. Natural pearls melt in vinegar.
  14. Buttermilk does not contain any butter.
  15. The human brain is 80% water.
  16. Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right while women’s shirts have the buttons on the left.
  17.  Human fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.
  18. The Great Pyramid at Giza in Egypt holds a constant temperature of 68 degrees Fahrenheit.
  19. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
  20.  Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age.

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WHAT....?

ALINCO: Meet my Wife Jane.
EGGISTU: Oh! I know her.
ALINCO: How?
EGGISTU: We were caught sleeping together.
ALINCO: What?? What the hell?
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DO ME, I DO YOU

There was a house of a drunkard with a very big hole dug in it. One day he came back very drunk and this was what happened.
DRUNK MAN: Open the door.
WIFE : Today I'm not opening the door I'm tired of your drinking.
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A GIRL WITH FOUR FRIENDS - So what has she really done wrong

There was this girl who had four boyfriends. She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him with the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best. She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms.
However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another. She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times. The girl's 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another. She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her.

 

Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times. The girl's 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone. ' Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No way!', replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word. His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart. The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'No!', replied the 3rd boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!' Her heart sank and turned cold. She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?' 'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the 2nd boyfriend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.' His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated. Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.' The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect. Greatly grieved, the girl said,'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'

In truth, you have 4 boyfriends in your lives: Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die. Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others. Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave. And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day

Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.
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AMAZING FACTS - two (02)

  1.  



    1. Butterflies taste with their feet.
    2.  A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for (1/100)th of a second
    3.  It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
    4.  Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
    5.  Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.
    6.  No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
    7.  Shakespeare invented the words “assassination” and “bump.”
    8. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
    9. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
    10. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
    11.   It takes approximately 2 million flowers for a bee to make 1 pound of honey.
    12.  Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.
    13.  It is physically impossible to urinate and give blood at the same time.
    14.  The letter J does not appear anywhere in the periodic table of the elements.
    15. The right lung of a human is larger than the left one. This is because of the space and placement of the heart.
    16. Watermelons, which are 92% water, originated from the Kalahari Desert in Africa.
    17. The hair of some cancer patients treated with chemotherapy can grow back in a different colour, and sometimes even be curly or straight.
    18. The markings that are found on dice are called "pips."
    19. 111,111,111x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678
    20.   If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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AMAZING FACTS - one (01)

  1.  
     

    1.    Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
  2. The Barbie doll’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
  3. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
  4.  Ants never sleep!
  5. When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.
  6. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf.
  7. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
  8. “I Am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
  9. Babies are born without knee caps – actually, they’re made of cartilage and the bone hardens between the ages of 2 and 6 years.
  10. Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.
  11. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
  12.  Leonardo Da Vinci never signed or dated his most famous painting, the Mona Lisa.
  13. The ampersand (&) was the last letter of the Latin alphabet.
  14. The palms of your hands and the soles of your feet cannot tan, or grow hair.
  15.  Dolphins can swim and sleep at the same time, as they sleep with one eye open.
  16. Each nostril of a human being registers smell in a different way. Those by the right nostril are more pleasant than the left.
  17. The longest single-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.”
  18. The word “Checkmate” in chess comes from the Persian phrase “Shah-Mat,” which means “the king is dead”.
  19. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:  Spades – King David, Clubs – Alexander the Great, Hearts – Charlemagne, and Diamonds – Julius Caesar.
  20.  In Gulliver’s Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than.

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I'M A WINNER MTN Project Fame West Africa 2010 finalists Featuring : CHIDINMA, KESSE (GHANA), EYO, YETUNDE, TOLU, OCHUKO

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh }3ce

Verse 1

I climbed so many mountains this time
I fought so many battles, but I came through stronger
I race across the finish line,yea/
I can hear the cheering crowd/
And that only means one thing

 

BRIDGE 

I can't let my breath go/
I cannot believe no
Is it really me? oh/ I'm a winner
I can hear the drum roll/
Feel my body explode
Gotta let the world know/ I'm a winner

CHORUS

See my name in gold I'm a winner
Let the whole world know
I'm a winner
Even when my chances go thinner
In the end I know I'm a winner
So let the lights go up/
Let the crowd stand up
Then you hear the sound of a winner
Let the lights go up
Let the crowd stand up
Time to take a bow, I'm a winner
Yes o, Yes o, Yes o, Yes o, Yes o, }2ce
Yes/ I'm a winner

VERSE 2

I've seen so many come and go......
Enough to make me give up/
But it made me stronger
No way I'm gonna let this go/
'Cos the taste of victory is so much sweeter

BRIDGE

I can't let my breath go/
I cannot believe no
Is it really me? oh/ I'm a winner
I can hear the drum roll/
Feel my body explode
Gotta let the world know/ I'm a winner

CHORUS

If you know you're a winner/
Let me see your hands go oh oh...}2ce [by Eyo; Tolu ]
If you know you're a winner/
Let me hear you say '' Yes o '' !  (Yes) '' Yes o ''
(Where're the winners at ?)
Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh }3ce
(Where're the winners at ?)

{ CHORUS }2ce

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THE FUTURE - BY TY BELLO, Inspirational Lyrics


VERSE 1
We are the future
We are the dream
We are the nation
We are part of this


Yes we are so amazing
That's the least we shall be
At the heart of the nation changing history

BRIDGE
How can they say that we are finished
We have just begun
When we have no where else to run to
We have no where else to go

So get out of the way
Out of the way of the land of our dreams
We are the nation, we are part of this
We are the nation, we are part of this

CHORUS
Ooooh, Carry the song
Carry the sound
The future is here
The future is here
Goodbye yesterday
Tomorrow is now for the taking
The future is here
The future is here

VERSE 2
I am the future
I am the dream
I am the nation
I am part of this

Yes I am so amazing
That's the least I shall be
At the heart of the nation changing history

BRIDGE/CHORUS
The future
The future has
The future has come

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WHAT A PITY

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Alinco walked
straight to the ugly girl.
Alinco:         Hello!
Ugly girl:     Hi!!
Alinco:         Wanna dance?
Ugly Girl:     Yes (excited)
Alinco:         OK, Go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend.
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YOUR STORY

A (90) year old man marries an 18 year old lady and goes to a doctor.
MAN: My 18 year old wife is pregnant. What's your opinion, doctor?
Dr KAPPUDON:     Ok, Let me tell you a story;
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PATRIOTIC CITIZEN

Akpors was arrested by the police and taken to court.
Magistrate:  Akpors, you were arrested on the expressway for abruptly stopping your car in the middle of the road and causing (10) other vehicles behind you to run into one another
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STUPIDITY

Akpors sat in a bar and was very moody. Alinco goes over and asks, " Akpors, what happened?" Akpors replied, " I borrowed Kappudon N2 million  for  face-surgery, and now I can't recognize him to collect my money back.
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RELAXING INDEED

Akpors was enjoying the sun at the beach when a lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?" Akpors replied; "No, I am Akpors".
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WHAT A DREAM

GIRLFRIEND : (Low Voice) Sweetie, Last night I had a dream about you.
ALINCO: (excited) Oh, Tell me Something Honey...
GIRLFRIEND: I dreamt We were traveling in a bus, Suddenly the bus lost control and fell in the river.
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WINE PALAVA

Eggistu, a house boy usually sneaks into his master's room to drink his wine. After drinking his master's wine, he adds water to top it up. One day his master bought a new wine called pasties; a french wine that changes colour if water is added to it.
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EGG HEADS

THIS IS WORSE
Simbi: Ali says I'm pretty while Eggistu says I'm ugly. What do you think, Akpors?
Akpors: A little bit of both. I think you are pretty ugly.

MAGICAL OPERATION
Akpors: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation.
Doctor: Yes, of course.
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JUST FOR MY GIRL

*Girl is crying*
Dad: Why ya' crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I'll be back...
*A while later, dad comes back*
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn't!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot  gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!
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WHAT GOES AROUND REALLY COMES AROUND - Such is Life

A poor boy was in love with a rich man's daughter.One day the boy proposed to her and this was the girl's reply, "Hey! Listen, your monthly salary is my daily hand expenses. How can I be involved with you..?

 

How could you have thought of that at all? I can never love you; so just forget about me and get engaged to someone who's else at your level”

Somehow, the boy could not easily forget about her. (10) years later they stumbled on each other in a shopping mall. The lady again said,"Hey! You! How are you? Now I’m married and guess what ? My husband’s salary is $150,700 per month! Can you beat that? Not just that actually; he is also very smart you know"

The guy’s eyes got wet with tears on hearing those words from this same lady. A few seconds later, her husband came around and before the lady could say a word he started speaking with delight on seeing this same guy, “Sir, never knew  you’ll be here. I'm delighted about you meeting my wife” Then he turned and said to his wife, "This is my boss and I’m also one of those working on his $10 billion project I was telling you about! I've never seen a man so loving. Can you imagine the fact that he has remained unmarried on purpose. My boss once loved a lady but couldn’t win her heart. That’s why he has remained unmarried ever since. How lucky the lady would have been, if she had married my boss? These days, who would love someone that much?"

As he said all these to his wife, she only looked in total shock without uttering a single word. Such is life.
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I LOVE MY BOOKS

Musiphat goes into a library to ask for a book on suicide. Alinco is the Librarian…
Musiphat:  Pls do you have a book on suicide ?
Akpors:  Why do you want to read a book like that ?
Musiphat:  I want to commit suicide!
Alinco stares at him and says, come on, get out of here! Who will return the book when you're dead?
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ALINCO'S LETTER TO BILL GATES

To:        Bill Gates Microsoft
                    From:         Alinco
                    Subject:     Problems with my new computer.
            Dear Mr Bill Gates,
    We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
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FAILURE MESSAGE

Alinco's dad (Mr Kappudon) converses with his son
Kappudon:     Alinco,I learnt your JAMB result is out.
Alinco:         Daddy can you remember John who always comes first in our whole school
Kappudon:     Yes, yes
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GET THEE BEHIND ME

BOY :     Do u have a boyfriend?
GIRL:     No, i don't have one.
BOY :     Gen 2:18, "The lord God said, it is not good for a man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him."
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LATEST PERIODIC TABLE ELEMENT

Name :    wife
Symbol : Wi
Atomic Weight    : Don't Even Dare to Ask!
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MARRIAGE ON CREDIT

Eggistu converses with his father
Eggistu: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married
Kappudon: I don't know son, I'm still paying
Eggistu: So, you mean you're still owing ?
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AKPORS Vs TEACHER

Akpors:     Excuse ma, if you mix omo and klin detergents together, will there be foam?
Teacher: Yes of course, why ask such a stupid question at the beginning of the year,
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TOO LATE - One of those had I known stories

There was a guy who was tired of reading his girlfriend's messages like, "I love you.",  " I miss you.", " Have you eaten already?" One night, he received a message from her but didn't open to view it.
Instead, he went to sleep.
 

In the morning he was awakened by a call from her mum crying while telling him that his girlfriend was raped and killed that night when she sent the text message to him. He remembered the message and went to read it, "Baby, please come here and help me, there's someone following me on the street that's immediately off yours!"
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FUNNY THINGS MOST AFRICANS DO - funny jokes at pengaze.com

⦁    Arriving late to an occasion just because we feel others would arrive late too - AFRICAN TIME.
⦁    flashing another phone with  a private number.
⦁    Talking at the top of your voice when on phone.

 

⦁    Wearing sun glasses at night.
⦁    Running in the rain even when already wet.
⦁    Answering questions with questions.
⦁    Using 'o' at the end of everything.
⦁    Calling every elderly family friend uncle or aunt.
⦁    Travelling to South Africa for one week and returning with an American or British accent.
⦁    Sewing uniformed outfits for everyone during special occasions.
⦁    Habit of crushing chicken bones and fish bones due to Calcium
⦁    Habit of inviting people to occasions someone else invited us to.
⦁    Our Mothers remind us of  their nine month pregnancy when we refuse to go on errands for them.
⦁    Seeing a person awake in the morning and still asking him/her "you don wake?"

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FIXING THE WORLD

A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into
small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together."

 

After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh", she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world was fixed all right."

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