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HUNGER FOR SEX - advice from a love doctor (17)

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Susan documented some of Lilian's advice.
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"Take turns being in control or initiating; play with power by exploring being a little more submissive or more dominant. Don't just always hop into bed; seduce your partner and take turns to change who usually seduces, and who is usually seduced. It's all about incorporating an element of surprise. Consciously incorporate your five senses of smell, sight, touch, taste and sound into the process and don't let your mind be distracted to something else. It's not all about you, just like it's not all about your partner, but it's fully acceptable to let it be all about you sometimes. It's OK to know what you want, ask for what you want, and ask your partner to just focus on you from time to time. Then you can return the favour.
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Sex is like exercise, If you stop doing it, it's really hard to start again. keep things going, even if it's a quickie here and there in an especially busy time. The nice thing about having sex regularly is that if it isn't great, then you know you will be having it again soon. It is just like exercise, where Regularity also builds stamina. Remain flexible, and try to let go of expectations. Our bodies change as we age which affects sex life. Sticking to your expectations may bring frustration which could bring an end to your sex life. Find ways you can adapt as your body changes like trying different positions, and creating new pathways to pleasure.
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Trust your partner enough to be vulnerable and authentic; be free enough to make him/her see the 'soft' and 'deep' you. Like eye contact, asking for what you truly want, being honest about what does or doesn't feel good, not hiding your body or your pleasure. Some unexpectedly make sound with their voice or even shed tears; it's all part of it.
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No need to portray yourself to your partner as a pro. When people feel like they have to do it right, they stop taking risks. They stop playing. They stop being curious, which leads to a routine based on a standard thereby making their sex life predictable and boring. So, rather than be an expert, allow yourself to not know it all in bed; give yourself permission to experiment, make mistakes and educate yourself.
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Enjoy the process of planning a meal and cooking it together. Shop for underwear and lingerie for each other. But before that, ask your partner what he or she likes; the colours, the designs, the brands, etc.; so you won’t have too difficult a time deciding what to purchase.
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Stop chasing the orgasm. When it's not happening, the orgasm pressure can start to mount which makes everyone uncomfortable and tense. If it then does, it can feel a bit souless after being chased so much. Sometimes you just have to accept it may not be your or their nights, and that's fine; concentrate on just enjoying the ride. You never know, being more relaxed may help you to be pleasantly surprised at the end of it. Never fake orgasm
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Do not criticize your partner in bed. Nothing can deflate the moment like a sexual put-down. If he's doing something you don't like, try saying, "I'd love it if you..." instead. If your partner whispers, "How do you want it?" don't say, "I don't mind, whatever." Know what you do and don't want.
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We’ve been trained to keep our deepest sexual fantasies handcuffed to us like a briefcase filled with nuclear codes. We all have them — we all have the sexy daydreams or imagined scenarios that really get our motors running. However, there’s a big divide between our ability to have fantasies and our abilities to SHARE them with ANYONE. When your partner is vulnerable enough to share his/her fantasies with you, don't take it fore granted.
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There's often a fundamental misunderstanding about the relationship between passion and intimacy. When a couple understands how that dynamic works and gets comfortable manipulating both, they gain the capability to produce both hot sex and tender intimacy at-will with respect to“advertising sex” and “maintenance sex.”
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Advertising sex is wild, organic, uninhibited, sweaty, uncontrolled, intense, minimalistic, and dirty. Both partners are totally into each other and the experience. It’s fueled by a deep, uncontrollable passion. This is the kind of sex that makes you lose track of your surroundings, time, and even your sense of self. You get totally lost in the moment. Advertising sex is also involuntary; women cannot cue it up on demand. Men cannot request it, negotiate for it, beg or plead for it, or buy it with gifts or in exchange for chores.
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Maintenance sex on the other hand comes from a place of obligation, not genuine desire. Maintenance sex can be warm and tender, but is less intense, often efficient, routine, and sometimes, kinda boring. Maintenance sex is often implicitly or explicitly negotiated. Women usually do it out of a sense of duty. Some examples might be a weekly scheduled romp while the kids are napping, a quickie before work etc. While maintenance sex can be and is enjoyable for both parties, it gets old quickly if it’s not mixed with the occasional advertising sex.
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