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HUNGER FOR SEX - grand finale (18)

        
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What averagely turns men on more than anything is their partner’s desire, partner’s pleasure and their contribution pleasure of their partner and to a partner feeling good about themselves, and so it’s extremely related. Not all men want sex more than their partners; no matter who wants it more, prioritize your partner’s sexual needs with time, energy and money, fantasize about your partner in ways that ignite your own body, say no when you really don’t want it but cultivate receptive desire to say yes sometimes even when you’re not in the mood and let arousal spark desire.
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Talk to your partner about your conflicted feelings. And not just to say things you're unhappy about but also appreciate the things he/she does that you like. Ask them questions like; “What would make sex more exciting for you? Are there things you would like to do? When do you feel most free? When do you feel the most attraction? What is the compliment you would like to receive?”. Ask them what it is like for them and if there's a way you can make it more pleasurable for them or more of anything that they might be yearning for (more connected, more intimate, more ravished, etc. Conversation about fantasy is about play, curiosity, transcending the limits of reality and moving beyond your usual boundaries. You can test out fantasies through talking; through a combination of action and words, allow yourself to be playful and open.'
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You can assert yourself as a man without being too forceful. Rather than shut down and automatically feel defensive, you can be open and relaxed with people, friends, family etc. without loosing yourself, being a woman, mother, lover, partner. Whether man or woman, you can be constructively subjective or objective without losing your identity. Assertiveness is a dialogue that allows for input from others while Aggression is a debate; exerting power to protect oneself. So, shift the way you think about compromise and collaboration, and welcome dialogue. Asserting yourself with confidence will come from being open to input. You’ll be surprised by how much power comes from conversation.
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If your partner reveals himself or herself to you, and their fantasies get you shocked, disgusted or plain turned off, don’t just brand them with names like pervert, slut etc. because language shapes the experiences we have.
Don't shut them down either. By shutting down the conversation, you are in effect saying: “I want you to open up but only on my terms”. The erotic mind is very sensitive to censorship and it knows when it needs to go into hiding. By closing off the conversation or reacting with disgust, we induce shame and guilt in the other. Your partner may promise never to have these thoughts or voice them again but you can’t eradicate someone’s preferences because you don’t like them. Take note that fantasy is play, it is not reality, and it is not what your partner wants in the cold hard light of day. It's something hidden in an inner garden that can be accessed by someone you trust or extremely comfortable with. Depending on how you respond to your spouse's fantasy, it could go hidden forever from you and would rather be expressed to someone that makes them comfortable if that were possible.
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Instead of turning away with revulsion, and worrying about the implications of a partner’s fantasy, why not remain curious, asking what it is about their fantasy that is pleasurable? Is it that you get to be passive? Ruthless? Give over power? By remaining curious and open, we are asking the other: who are you? We don’t have to understand them, we can simply find out more about who they are which creates space, acceptance and room for play
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